The Bee In Your Car Is a Better Therapist Than You Think
Ever had a bee fly into your car while you're driving?
It’s happened to me more than once. And yes...I scream like a little girl every time.
In that split second, you've got two options.
Panic and try to kill it. Or open the windows, stay calm, and let it fly out on its own.
How does this relate to therapy?
Your mind is the car. Negative emotions are the bee. Boredom. Loneliness. Fatigue. Anxiety. Overwhelm.
The same two options apply.
Option one...kill it fast. Another coffee. Another pouch. Another beer. Another late night video. Another reel. Anything that makes the discomfort disappear and gets you back to "fine."
Problem is, that's usually when you get stung.
Option two...open the window. Stay calm. Let it pass.
This is the harder option, and I'll be honest...it's hard for me specifically. I've spent most of my life treating negative emotions as a threat to my productivity. If I'm feeling off, how does that look to everyone else? If I'm not put together, what will people think?
Here's the part that doesn't get said enough: almost nothing bad happens when you actually sit with the emotion. It's trying to avoid it that backfires. The emotion comes back stronger...usually with company. Regret. Self-loathing. Frustration.
The science behind option two
There's a concept in addiction psychology called urge surfing, developed out of relapse-prevention research (Marlatt & Gordon). The core finding: cravings and emotional urges follow a wave pattern...they build, peak, and pass, typically within 15-20 minutes, whether or not you act on them.
The problem isn't the urge. It's that most of us never let the wave finish. We interrupt it with coping behaviors before we ever find out it would've passed on its own.
This tracks with what we know about the stress response, too. Cortisol spikes are meant to be temporary...the body is built to return to baseline once the perceived threat clears. Constantly "solving" the discomfort with a quick dopamine hit doesn't clear the threat. It just teaches your nervous system that discomfort is intolerable and must be handled immediately. That's a habit loop, not a character flaw.
How to actually practice this
When a negative emotion hits, set a 10-minute timer. You won't want to. Do it anyway.
For those 10 minutes, don't try to solve anything.
Pick something that lets you sit with the feeling instead of escaping it...a walk, a call to a friend, 10 push-ups, a song, a drive.
After 10-15 minutes, check back in. Most of the time, the intensity has dropped. Sometimes it's gone completely.
This is what real discipline looks like
Not demanding perfection from yourself. Accepting that bad days are part of the deal.
You will never reach a point where everything lines up. You'll never reach the "perfect" physique. You'll never arrive at mastery.
I still have to remind myself of that. Some mornings I wake up thinking, how do I show up as the most energetic, most put-together version of myself today?...and then I get hit with a wave of fatigue or anxiety instead. Some days, instead of surfing the urge, I choose the couch, reruns of The Office, and a bowl of whatever's easiest. Just to avoid the discomfort.
But my track record today is a lot better than it was a few years ago. That's the whole point.
I'm not trying to build "shredded" guys. I'm trying to help guys see that whether they're shredded or not, they have something real to offer...and part of that means learning to sit with hard emotions instead of hitting the gym one more time to avoid them. Fat loss and muscle become the byproduct of the deeper work, not the goal of it.
Because chasing "optimized"...the physique, the six-figure income, the perfectly scheduled day...doesn't close the gap between where you are and where you want to be. It widens it. It moves the goalpost back every time you get close. And that gap is exactly what feeds the loop we're all trying to escape.
If you're a guy who's spent years grinding, achieving, "handling it"...and you're tired of the loop but don't know how to stop without feeling like you're failing, that's exactly who I work with. DM me "RECLAIM" on Instagram or book a free consultation, and let's talk about what it looks like to take back control of your actions.
Works Cited
Marlatt, G. A., & Gordon, J. R. (1985). Relapse Prevention: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors. Guilford Press. - The foundational text that introduced "urge surfing" as part of the broader Relapse Prevention (RP) model.
